


Judging by the Content

by h_itoshi



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 10:06:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5000629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/h_itoshi/pseuds/h_itoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I think Massu really likes you." Shige said, sounding stern and not much like himself at all. "He's a really good guy, if you just want to sleep around you should stop seeing him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Judging by the Content

Tegoshi sits with his legs drawn up under him on a cold bench, sleepover bag on his left and a take-away latte in his hands. He looks out over the park, a cold, sunny December morning painting the trees with a shiny layer of frost, and his breath makes a white cloud that quickly fades in the air.

He should go home, at least shouldn't sit out here and catch a cold, but he's afraid that if he leaves now, he can never make himself come back here.

He hasn't been home in a while. He's out of clean clothes, he's wearing Shige's right now, even though there's someone else he'd rather borrow from. At least he's not wearing Ueda's.

He should go home. It's not like he's homeless, he just hates the place and everything associated with it, and the past month has turned his life upside down in more ways than one and he can't stand an hour in his own home. He's mostly been at Koyama and Shige's, because they're the best friends he could ever have asked for and more, but also some days at his parents, and some days with Ueda. Which he regrets now. He feels dirty, like he needs a shower, but it's all in his head because he had one an hour ago. He smells like Ueda's shampoo but his own cologne, and Shige's detergent from the clothes, which isn't a combination he would want to be greeted by if it was him. But he can hear that velvet voice in his head. _"I don't care. It's you."_

His grip on the cup tightens, and the heat from the coffee burns a little on his fingers, but he deserves it. He looks up at the buildings he can spot at the far end of the park, knowing he has to go there eventually.

 

~*~

 

It started a few months ago, at Shige's birthday party. It was summer, hot, a beautiful evening, champagne and fruit and light clothes.

And there he'd been suddenly, joking with Yamapi and some girls, hair a dark shade of brownish red, loose black pants and an oversized shirt, not too tall and face a little round. Massu.

Not Tegoshi's type at all, rather the opposite actually, since he tends to like the more androgynous ones, kind of like Ueda, but Massu was just too hot for Tegoshi to have any second thoughts about type. He was in the kitchen watching Koyama fix up on the buffet when he first saw him, and positively choked on his drink.

"What happened?" Koyama asked with a worried frown, which turned confused as Tegoshi pointed through the open door to the living room. "What?"

"Who's that? The red hair?" Tegoshi asked without taking his eyes off the man, watching him shake his bangs from his eyes with a smile.

"Massu?" Koyama still sounded confused, like he wasn't sure Tegoshi's reaction really would be brought forth by someone like him. "Masuda Takahisa, he used to work with Shige and Yamapi. Why?"

Tegoshi just shook his head a little, surprised with himself even. "He's really hot."

Koyama raised a surprised eyebrow, but sounded more amused when he spoke. "Yeah, I guess he is. He's a really nice guy, go talk to him."

And Tegoshi did, smoothly stepped into the conversation since it was about making fun of Yamapi, then introduced himself and after a while managed to get Massu alone.

He was amazing, really nice just like Koyama'd advertised, even sweet in a way.

They had pretty much nothing in common, except that they both liked singing, but they seemed to find things to talk about anyway. Tegoshi had more champagne, laughed at things Massu said, and spent his evening feeling attractive in a way he wasn't really used to. Like he was worth listening to, not just look at. Massu even listened to him when he got lost in his passion for soccer, saying he'd never seen the point in soccer, but tried to understand when Tegoshi enthusiastically explained the best parts to him.

Massu kept listening to him all night, and gave him a few _looks_ , like when Tegoshi smiled and stroke hair behind his ear, or when he scratched his collarbone under his shirt, that made Tegoshi want to just drag him away and slam him against a wall.

He was so sure he was going to get laid that night that it took him a minute to understand what happened when Massu just gave him a note with a phone number and asked him to call, before he placed a tiny kiss on Tegoshi's cheek and left.

He grumbled about it for a while to Koyama, who just laughed and told him it would be good for him to try the good old way of dating first and fucking later. Tegoshi'd just told him to shut up and then found a hot girl instead.

But he couldn't entirely stop thinking about Massu, so after a couple days, Tegoshi did call him, and they decided on a karaoke date, which they had already been vaguely talking about at the party.

Massu showed up wearing really baggy jeans and a black, casual leather jacket, a happy smile on his face as he started the conversation by making sure they were eating later too.

After the first line Massu sang on an old Johnny's ballad, Tegoshi knows now that he already had it so bad.

His voice was so clean and smooth and comforting that Tegoshi just wanted to wrap it around himself like a soft fluffy blanket and never come out.

"Wow." He'd said, too busy being mesmerized to remember he had chosen the next song.

Eventually, they sang together, and mostly jokingly said they'd make a good pop duo, but Tegoshi really thought they sounded nice together.

After singing themselves tired, they went out to eat, talking more and Tegoshi got to see just how much Massu loved his food as he kept making facial expressions which Tegoshi wasn't sure whether to find cute or strangely hot. It was late afterwards, and Tegoshi was just about to ask Massu if he wanted to come over, when he was suavely turned down again.

“I had fun. Let's do it again, yeah?” Massu'd said, and another soft kiss was placed on Tegoshi's cheek before he was suddenly alone on the pavement.

It was frustrating, because honestly, Tegoshi usually got anyone he wanted with just a bat of his eyelashes. He'd even gotten a 100% straight guy into bed. And that voice and the feeling of new and unknown had Tegoshi itching to get his hands on Massu, who clearly wasn't _that_ interested in him.

It had Tegoshi showing up at Ueda's door without warning, demanding to be fucked. It wasn't exactly unusual, so Ueda had merely raised an eyebrow before pressing Tegoshi against the front door with strong arms and a dangerous smile.

“Are you in love again?” He'd asked, voice low as his full lips trailed along Tegoshi's neck.

“... Maybe a little.” Tegoshi admitted as he tangled a hand in that gorgeous princess hair and tugged, which caused Ueda to retaliate by biting, easily taking Tegoshi's mind off anything besides him.

 

~*~

 

Tegoshi sighs and drinks some of his coffee that's starting to cool. It's a little pathetic but just thinking about Massu those first few times makes him all fluttery and warm. Tegoshi's always been good at falling in love, or at least get a huge crush, since he's probably never been really in _love_ until now. He just didn't realize it.

His crushes usually last the time it takes to get people into bed, maybe a couple times, and then they're over, on to the next. Which hasn't given him the best reputation. Koyama's always told him he shouldn't sleep around _that_ much, and if Koyama comments, there are nasty things coming from other people's mouths. Tegoshi curses silently, thinking that maybe if he'd listened for once, this mess wouldn't be.

 

~*

 

He met Massu again. This time only over dinner, not exactly proper a date since they paid for themselves, but Tegoshi couldn't think of it as anything else. There was that underlying excitement, the unwavering interest in anything that was the other, and those hot looks. Tegoshi lived on those hot looks, the little reminders that Massu really had to be interested in him as more than a friend.

After that dinner, Tegoshi wasn't sure whether he dared hope anything, tried keeping his expectations low, and therefore found himself frozen when Massu's lips were suddenly on his in a dark alley just before the station. They kissed the first time then, Tegoshi wrapped arms around Massu's neck and didn't let him go until he'd urged Massu's lips to part and tasted his mouth.

But there was nothing more. Massu told him goodnight and see you again in a deep sultry tone, and Tegoshi felt like killing something in frustration.

Until he was invited over to Shige and Koyama for dinner, and even though he'd suspected something fishy was up, he was taken aback when Shige took him aside afterwards.

“I think Massu really likes you.” Shige said, sounding stern and not much like himself at all.

“... What? He does?” Tegoshi asked, frowning, because he almost felt like the opposite.

“Yeah. And I love you Tegoshi Yuya, but if you hurt him I might have to kill you.” Shige continued, and Tegoshi just stared at him. “He's a really good guy, if you just want to sleep around you should stop seeing him.”

“I... Okay.” Tegoshi didn't know what else to say, and he couldn't think of anything more intelligent before Shige had already patted his shoulder and asked if he wanted to stay and watch a movie.

But the words nagged at the back of Tegoshi's head until he had troubles sleeping, feeling frustrated about both the assumption that all he ever wanted was sex, and about that he didn't even know himself if that was all he wanted from Massu.

He probably ended up overthinking those words from Shige, because he knows Shige only meant well, but Tegoshi took them as a personal insult and almost a challenge, like he wanted to prove that he could have a relationship too. Not just sleep around.

The next time, Tegoshi decided to take matters in his own hands and invited Massu over to have dinner at his place, which Massu easily agreed on. Tegoshi'd started to realize that as long as he gave Massu food he would agree to most other things Tegoshi could think of.

Tegoshi's not the best cook, but he tried his hardest with the food and Massu ate and told him it was delicious, and even though Tegoshi suspected it might be a white lie, he was grateful for the appreciation. To be on the safe side, he served wine too, which may have contributed to Massu's easygoing mood.

After a few hours of just eating and chatting, Tegoshi found himself never tiring of hearing about Massu, about his job and family and favourite brands, and asked him to stay for a movie without even thinking. Massu smiled, one of those promising, heated smiles that is now so deeply associated with pleasure in Tegoshi's mind that his blood starts rushing at the thought of it, and agreed. They got ten minutes into the movie, some American action shit, before Tegoshi had Massu pinned against the couch and kissed him like his life depended on it. He wasn't sure he was going to get much further, considering Massu's seemingly never-ending patience, but he decided to try his luck and slipped a hand under Massu's loose T-shirt. And broke the kiss with wide eyes, running fingertips over the defined abs he had _not_ expected, staring incredulously at Massu's smirking face before simply tugging the shirt off of him.

“Oh my god.” Tegoshi muttered, taking in the muscular torso beneath him, strong arms and shoulders and everything Tegoshi was certain Massu _didn't_ have. “Why do you hide this?”

He couldn't help but ask, because if you dress to look like you have the shape of a sack of potatoes, you're not expected to look like anything else.

“We can't all have everything on display, can we?” Massu countered, and then there were hands pointedly squeezing Tegoshi's ass through his tight jeans, and if Tegoshi had any doubts over who was topping, they quickly vanished.

Tegoshi just smiled, arching a little into the touch in a way he knew looked wanton. “You like it though, don't you?”

“Wish it was a little less distracting is all.”

The rest is a bit blurry in Tegoshi's mind, just an intense mess of low groans and sweaty bangs, strong shoulders and dark eyes watching him, but he remembers that afterwards he dragged Massu to his bed and fell asleep on his shoulder.

They never said out loud that they were something, just kept seeing each other, and even though Tegoshi made an effort to seduce Massu as soon as he could, he also enjoyed the moments when they were just sitting together on the couch doing different things, but still _together_.

It was comfortable, and Tegoshi hardly met with Ueda at all, which earned him a few messages full of irrelevant smileys that he could at least come over to hang out dammit, which Tegoshi just laughed at and promised to do so.

Everything worked, unspoken but still present, until the next birthday party. Nishikido Ryo, one of Yamapi's best friends, whom they of course both knew because everyone who knows Yamapi also knows Ryo and Akanishi Jin, period.

After a few days of none of them speaking about the invitations more than mentioning they'd both gotten one, Massu finally stopped Tegoshi in the doorway as he was about to leave, grabbed his arm tightly but not uncomfortably, as if there was something he needed to say now or he wouldn't say it at all.

“I think we should go together.” He told Tegoshi, voice firm but eyes a little uncertain, and Tegoshi agreed without thinking, and even now, he doesn't know what he could blame that on. It wasn't surprise, wasn't probing, wasn't anything but the fact that he'd been thinking the same thing. He wanted to go with Massu.

 

~*~

 

Tegoshi sighs, his hopelessness turning to a white cloud as he pulls his jacket closer around him, legs starting to stiffen and his coffee mug is empty. He remembers the way he felt before that party, nervous but excited, proud but terrified. He'd brought girls (and boys) to parties before, but it had never meant as much as it did this time. The fact that most of his friends knew Massu from somewhere else made it more scary, and still he didn't even consider the things that _did_ happen. He was just so hyped to go to a party with Massu, and now, a few weeks afterwards, he realizes just how blown out of proportion things got. He looks at a mother and a little girl walking past, the girl skipping and loudly wishing for snow and he smiles a little. Things like that helps him with the perspective he needs sometimes.

 

~*~

 

It took Tegoshi an hour to get dressed before the party, uncertain what to choose and how tight pants he should wear. He settled on a pair of jeans that he rarely wore, those Koyama called the “girlfriend-fit”, because he claimed they were tight enough to show off what Tegoshi had, but not so tight it looked like he was desperate. Tegoshi had snorted at it when Koyama first posed his theory, but found it to work pretty well for the party. Not looking for someone, but still hot. That was the look he was going for.

Massu wore what he always wore when he came to pick Tegoshi up, shapeless clothes with a loose fit, but it didn't bother Tegoshi anymore, not now that he knew what was underneath. They went together, and Koyama's grin was wide as the cheshire cat's when he spotted them in the hall and dragged Shige along to say hi.

“You're wearing your girlfriend-jeans!” Koyama hissed to Tegoshi as Shige distracted Massu by telling him about the food. “Are you two official now?”

Tegoshi shrugged but couldn't entirely help his grin, and Koyama looked so smug Tegoshi had to shove at him, then easily stole Massu back from Shige by suggesting they actually go eat the food not just talk about it.

It was fun, Tegoshi had wine and clung to Massu's arm almost all night even though he knew exactly what it looked like, because he didn't mind people believing it. He just wasn't a hundred percent certain whether it _was_ what it looked like since they hadn't actually talked about it, and he's pretty sure now that that was the cause of everything.

Because first, Massu met a girl he knew, and it turned out to be an ex-girlfriend. Tegoshi said hi nicely, put on his best pleasant face, but he wasn't really sure what to think about the situation, since Massu introduced him as “a friend of mine” and was _really_ friendly with the girl, making some insider jokes Tegoshi couldn't follow and didn't find funny when he got them explained either. It spiked small burns of jealousy through him, and he felt a little set aside even though he knew it was just ridiculous, and he ended up not being super nice to the girl. It didn't help that she was really cute either.

Massu seemed to notice his disinterest though and eventually told the girl it was nice seeing her and then took Tegoshi's hand and playfully told him he was pretty even when scowling, and Tegoshi decided that Massu was forgiven.

Then, after a few hours they ended up in a conversation with the birthday boy himself, and also Yamapi and Jin and Jin's new girlfriend, and that's where things went so horribly wrong.

“So you're together, are you?” Ryo asked, pretty drunk, and he wasn't known to be the nicest guy even sober, so when Tegoshi promptly didn't look at Massu since he didn't know what he'd see, Ryo just continued. “You're brave Masuda, I wouldn't even want to touch Tegoshi with a tong, who knows where he's been.”

Tegoshi felt like he'd been slapped in the face, but set his jaw and tried to breathe through it and take it as a joke. He normally wouldn't even react, but he didn't want to have those things thrown at him in front of Massu. He tried to tell himself not to look at Massu, that it was better if he didn't see his reaction to that, but of course he couldn't help himself.

Massu smiled, but it was a small, stiff smile that didn't reach his eyes, and he cleared his throat when Ryo, Jin and Yamapi were done laughing. “That's not a very nice thing to say even as a joke, is it?”

Massu's voice was more serious than Tegoshi'd ever heard it, and it felt like little fireworks of feelings went off in his chest suddenly, even though he wasn't sure what feelings they were. He'd just never been protected like that before.

“It's true though.” Ryo chuckled, but a little less smug now. “He's fucked pretty much everyone I know, but I mean, it's your boyfriend.”

“He's not my boyfriend.” Massu said calmly, and the fireworks suddenly froze ice cold and Tegoshi found it difficult to breathe.

“Probably for the best.” Ryo shrugged, and then turned to Tegoshi without really looking at him. At least he couldn't have been looking, or he'd have seen Tegoshi's difficulty to even focus his eyes right then. “Speaking of that, I spoke to Tatsuya the other day, heard you're still banging him.”

Tegoshi finally decided he couldn't take it anymore and set his glass down on the table with a slam and rose to leave. He heard Ryo call something that sounded like a surprised “hey what happened to you?” but completely ignored it and went straight for the hall and his outerwear.

Honestly, he was a little surprised at how vehemently he reacted, he's been called a slut by Ryo so often it could be his contact name in Ryo's phone, but he was too busy fighting back tears and keep his hands from shaking to think about his reaction. He felt humiliated and upset, but mostly, he kept hearing Massu's voice echoing in his head and he found it hard to keep his breathing calm enough to not draw attention to himself. _“He's not my boyfriend.”_

 

~*~

 

He's not sure, but he thinks that if Massu had caught up with him right there in the hall, maybe things could have been okay. But he didn't, and Tegoshi had the entire train ride home to think about those words, about himself and what a filthy person he was and all the reasons why Massu would never want to be with him officially.

He bites his lip and looks up at the blue sky to try and keep himself calm, because some of the things he thought that train ride he never wants to think again. About how no one could ever love him, that he was just a pretty fuck who wouldn't be faithful anyway, that he'd be nothing if he wasn't pretty and that there would never be anyone caring for him just for being himself. That he was considered such a slut that he wasn't even worthy of a nice guy to call his own, not even his friends thought so.

He shifts on the bench, sets his legs down on the ground and considers getting up, but it feels like ants are crawling around in his legs due to lack of blood flow, and he stays seated.

 

~*~

 

He came home, tossed his jacket on the floor and fell straight into bed fully clothed, hugging his pillow tightly as he cried, indulging all those bad thoughts, and he'd never felt so horrible in his entire life, like everything was hopeless and nothing had a point anyway.

He has no idea for how long he just laid there, just knows that the tears stopped running and he stared at the ceiling without even seeing it. Then the doorbell rang, but he didn't get up. It rang again. And then again.

Eventually Tegoshi rose, feeling like a zombie with how drained of emotion he was, but when he opened the door all those emotions came back full force, so strong they almost choked him.

“Let me in.” Massu demanded, voice cold and firm, and Tegoshi obeyed without active consent from his brain. Then there were hands on his cheeks and eyes flicking from his swollen red eyes to the tear tracks on his cheeks and Tegoshi knew he looked like a mess.

“What happened?” Massu asked, but Tegoshi wouldn't even trust his voice with a word, even less an explanation. “Was it what I said?”

That was the most personal question Massu'd ever asked him, and it made Tegoshi open his mouth and reply.

“... Partly.” His voice was a little cracked but functional, and Massu bit his lip.

“I didn't mean what you think I meant.” He said, but it didn't help Tegoshi understand anything.

“What did I think it meant?” He asked, and it came out a little fiercer than he intended, but Massu only looked at him evenly.

“That I don't want you, I suppose?” He said, and even though there was hardly any cockiness in his tone, Tegoshi still picked up on it and it definitely raised his hackles.

“Well, sorry, but not a lot of people do want me and I don't exactly see what other way to interpret ' _He's not my boyfriend_ '.” Tegoshi snarled, and he knew he was probably lashing out at nothing but he needed it.

“As far as I know, a lot of people want you.” Massu replied, and there was definitely a hint of something acid in there this time.

“A lot of people want to fuck me, but not many, none that I can pinpoint actually, want me as a boyfriend.” Tegoshi explained, voice raising in volume in reaction to what he of course considered another subtle hint at what an easy guy he was.

“Well I think I would, if we could ever talk about it?” Massu told him, tone short and hard. “You just distract me as soon as I try and so I figured _you_ didn't want anything else than sex.”

“What, seriously, it's been really long since I spent this much time and effort on someone out of bed!” Tegoshi protested, seeing more and more red with each word Massu said, probably because he was too tired and upset to hear any criticism right then and all he wanted was a hug and some love. “Normally I just fuck people and then leave!”

“Oh that feels very reassuring, thanks for letting me feel special.” Massu said sarcastically, and there might have been something hurt in his eyes, but Tegoshi couldn't tell.

“That's not what I meant, I'm no good at talking!” Tegoshi groaned, but still couldn't really make himself calm down enough to say sorry or explain his feelings. “And does it even matter, I clearly don't deserve you anyway since I'm just so filthy I'm not even allowed a relationship according to my so called friends. Obviously that's what you think too.”

The last part, he couldn't really help, but that time, he definitely saw the hurt in Massu's eyes before his expression darkened and his tone went emotionless. “Fine. I don't want you this self-deprecating anyway. I care for you just the way you are and I might not like to think about all the hands that have been on you, but that's your past and I want your present. Come back if you ever want mine.”

Then the door slammed in Tegoshi's face and it took him a minute to even comprehend what had happened. He didn't even move from the hall for an hour or so, just slid down to the floor and wondered if he just fucked up his only chance, and even though he felt dehydrated, his body still decided to cry.

 

~*~

 

A new pang of worry hits Tegoshi right in the stomach and he can't sit anymore, but rises and reaches down for his bag. It's been nearly a month and he hasn't heard a word from Massu since. It took him ten minutes to realize what he should have said, and then a week of denial before he finally could admit to himself that what he should have said really was his true feelings. Then, the next two and a half weeks, he's just spent fleeing from the inevitable, not ready to stand up and confess, to seek him out and apologize. But the longer he's spent without Massu, the more certain he is that he's the one he wants, and not just in the physical way. He wants him to sleep next to, to make breakfast for, to fight with about cleaning up.

Slowly, he starts heading across the park, limbs stiff and he thinks he's probably going to catch a cold after this because his whole body feels a few degrees colder than normal. But, like he thought when he arrived, it's now or never. He's worked up to this, went over his speech in his head and been practically forced by Koyama and Shige, and even Ueda to just _do it_.

It's just not that easy.

When he stands outside Massu's door, he finds his hand trembling as it rises to the doorbell. He doesn't even know why he's this nervous, it should be simple. Three words is all he really needs to say, but he also knows his speech well enough to ramble in his sleep. He tried it on Koyama, who nearly burst out in tears. Which isn't really a guarantee of anything besides Koyama's hormones, which are about as active as a pregnant woman's, but still.

He's so ready to start his speech, takes a deep breath as he hears steps inside, but then Massu opens the door and Tegoshi forgets how to even make words. The longing in his chest is suddenly too much, expanding so fast it takes out everything else, even breathing for a moment.

Massu looks like he's getting ready to go somewhere, dressed in baggy dark jeans, a loose, comfortable T-shirt that has a tempting neckline, a long silver necklace and that damn earring he wears all the time. He looks at Tegoshi with confusion and genuine surprise, frozen with one hand on the door handle and the other held like it's sticky with something, and considering the state of his half-styled red hair, it's wax. The whole impression, of him just standing there, being right before Tegoshi in person, warm skin and delicious smelling cologne and dark eyes that Tegoshi's only been dreaming of for a few weeks, hits him so hard he's speechless.

“Tegoshi?” Massu asks after a few moments, the question easily interpreted as 'what are you doing here', but Tegoshi still can't seem to speak.

Instead, he takes a step forward, frames Massu's face with both his own cold hands, and presses their lips together in a soft, lingering kiss. He'd promised himself not to do something like this, not even touch Massu before he'd explained himself, his feelings, but it's easy to forget when those lips start moving against his and an arm wraps tightly around his waist.

All too soon though, Massu slowly pulls back, and Tegoshi's immediate thought is that he did something wrong, that Massu doesn't want this and that he's going to be kicked out in the cold again, and he finds himself clutching onto the soft fabric of Massu's T-shirt like that will help him.

Then Massu looks at him, eyes warm and dark, and Tegoshi's panic eases a little.

“Would you close the door?” Is what Massu says, and Tegoshi can't help the little laugh of relief that comes out of him, but it makes a smile tug at the corners of Massu's mouth and he doesn't regret it at all.

He leans back to push the door closed, then turns back to Massu, suddenly a little nervous again.

“I...” He starts, but then the words just won't come, and he ends up making a small frustrated noise and his fists tighten in Massu's T-shirt involuntarily, like a little child shaking a toy that won't work.

Massu just looks at him evenly, seeming to wait, but then finally takes pity on Tegoshi's muteness. “What did you come for?”

“You.” Tegoshi answers without hesitation, even though the answer is a pretty obvious one. But it gives him a start, and that's all he really needed. “I've missed you.”

Massu smiles, and raises his hands to Tegoshi's, making him release Massu's shirt and take his hands instead, and Tegoshi doesn't care about the remains of hair wax making his palm sticky. “You didn't have to. All you needed to do was show up.”

 

~*~

 


End file.
